Death

How scary is death? How scary death is. Death is scary. I’m not making sense, I know.

I’ll be the first to admit that I’m scared out of my wits of death. As I’ve gotten older the lines of communication between God and me have opened up quite a lot. Even though I’m more spiritual and closer to God I’m still scared to death of death. I don’t want to leave my life nor do I want to loose any loved ones.

My aunt passed away last week. My Tia Lupe was one of my mom’s older sisters. I’m not sure how old she was but I think she was in her 80’s. I love all of my aunts and this one in particular was one of the sweetest ones. She was a strong Mexican woman who was a loyal wife, mother of nine, and sister of many more. She was lovable yet strong minded. She was soft spoken yet her voice was always heard and respected. My Tia Lupe was a dark brown, sun-kissed complexion woman, who was about 5 feet tall and so soft when you hugged her.

I hadn’t seen her in many years. The last time I saw her she was as healthy as always. My mom saw her sister a couple of years ago after she had a stroke. She recovered from the stroke but could not escape old age and the memory loss that came with it. The weekend before she passed away we decided at the last minute to go visit her. We had no idea how delicate her health was. We just wanted to see her. We drove all the way to Perris late Saturday evening. I expected to find the same Tia that I remembered and grew up loving. As we walked into her bedroom I saw a small pale woman who looked as if she weighed 50 pounds. I couldn’t believe my eyes and had to bite my tongue so I wouldn’t cry. We spent several hours with my tia. I believe she recognized my mom somewhere deep in her state of mind because she wanted to be wherever we were. She didn’t talk to us or give us any other signs of recognition. At the end of our visit my sis gave her a kiss goodbye and so did I.

Four days later I get a call from my mom crying because my tia, her sister, had just passed away. My sis later told me that when she kissed our tia she knew that that was the last time she would see her. I don’t know why I didn’t feel the same way. Our cousins, her children, told us that she was healthy and the doctor could not find anything wrong with her. So I guess I hoped for a miracle and that she would get better. I went to church the day she passed away and thanked God for allowing us to see her before she died. Allowing my mom to see her sister four days before she passed away was a great gift.

Since my aunts death my mom hasn’t been able to sleep. She’s been having a lot of nightmares. My mom tells me that she’s not afraid of dreaming about my aunt or anything of that sort. They’re just random & vivid dreams. I think my mom is also afraid of death. I love my mom to death and the thought of being in her shoes just breaks my heart.

Death. How scary death is. Death is scary.